The Wheel of Dharma

Moving!

2010-10-21T00:55:00.001-04:00

The Wheel of Dharma Blog is now Open Sky

I've changed teachers, I've changed the name of my group, and I've changed blogs.

Come visit the new blog HERE

It Gets Better Project - Impermanence & LGBT Youth

2010-10-15T01:50:00.000-04:00

The It Gets Better Project is a video project started by author and sex/relationship advice columnist Dan Savage. Given the recent string of gay teenagers killing themselves as a result of bullying from their peers, people from all over the world are offering support and encouragement to any young people who feel so hopeless about their situations that they're considering hurting themselves.

Sometimes we perceive the dharma through dire-colored glasses, especially when it comes to a teaching like impermanence, one of the three marks of existence. We understand this means that we all eventually die, everything changes, all things eventually end, blah blah blah.

On the positive side it's important to remind people who are suffering intensely that their suffering can and will also change. Impermanence also applies to things and feelings and situations that suck.

It's especially hard to realize this as a teenager when a year seems like forever and the thought of getting through a few more years of harassment at school is unbearable, but things really do have a way of changing.

May everyone suffering right now know that.

De-Bitching Karma

2010-09-21T01:31:00.020-04:00

“Karma's a bitch.”

This sums up the way most people seem to understand and talk about karma.

For starters I find it kind of funny because based on this definition of karma, the potential bad karma incurred by making such a statement is completely lost on the person saying it.

Karma is not some divine form of reward and punishment that gives us an excuse to judge the behavior of others based on their current circumstances. We shouldn't go around with the idea that we know what's "good karma" or "bad karma". One man could be a paraplegic living on public assistance without a friend or family member around him. Another man could also be a paraplegic but also a millionaire with a nice supportive family around him. Yet both of them are still paraplegics.

The Buddha essentially described karma as action and result, or cause and effect. We have intentions and thoughts that evolve into behavioral patterns and actions. We are then left with a particular kind of experience that is the result of our previous intentions, behavior patterns, and actions. That’s all.

He even said that not everything we experience can be explained by karma, that there are other factors involved that are more physical/chemical/situational in nature. So it's pointless to attribute every single little thing that happens on a given day to how “good” or “bad” we were in some past moment.

So often we think that if someone does something we find hurtful or offensive, we can take comfort in the fact that “they’ll get there's.” Inherent in that kind of thinking is an underlying desire to see someone else suffer because we felt hurt by them in some way. Cultivating within ourselves a desire to see others suffer causes ourselves to suffer more, and by extension we cause more suffering for others.

Everything that happens around us is a reflection of our mind at that moment. So if we feel upset or angered or joyful or bored or content or offended, that experience is the result of whatever we’d been cultivating other consciously or not, starting with our mind. And those thoughts we harbor that generate feelings are like seeds we are planting for future outcomes, whether we realize this or not. The things that go on around us aren’t to blame or thank for our current experience: we are.

How we keep our mind at all times is crucial. We need to be aware of what kinds of thoughts we nurture with our time and attention. Noticing what kinds of thoughts we tend to entertain is the best way to gauge what our karma will or won’t be at some future date.

From the Dhammapada:

1. All that we are is the result of what we have thought: it is founded on our thoughts, it is made up of our thoughts. If a man speaks or acts with an evil thought, pain follows him, as the wheel follows the foot of the ox that draws the carriage.

2. All that we are is the result of what we have thought: it is founded on our thoughts, it is made up of our thoughts. If a man speaks or acts with a pure thought, happiness follows him, like a shadow that never leaves him.

Book of Zen

2010-08-21T01:12:00.003-04:00

Watch the animation HERE

No Young People in American Zen?

2010-08-03T01:21:00.004-04:00

There's been a very interesting discussion for the past few months at No Zen in the West - A blog and Dharma forum from Jiryu Mark Rutschman-Byler.

It certainly does appear that Zen centers aren't attracting large numbers of younger people, and this is causing some people alarm. What I thought would be a brief response to a thread about this at No Zen in the West turned into this:

I think the issue is a tad more generational in nature than reflective of how one Zen center packages itself over another.

The fact that older folks (and at 42 that adjective applies to me too) tend to be more active in Zen centers is not necessarily something to be alarmed by. Today's 25 year old will be a 45 in 2030 and at that point in time might be more inclined to get into the dharma and practice. Perhaps I’m being too optimistic, since I didn’t really come around to practice until just about 7 years ago. It took me some 35 years and a couple of major life experiences to get my ass on the cushion.

However, my pragmatic side thinks that youngish people today are just plain reluctant to embrace any kind of structured religion or spiritual system no matter what. That’s what the 2009 poll by the Pew Forum on Religion and Public Life seems to suggest. Just look at attendance at the mainstream churches and synagogues: there’s been nothing but a steady decline over the past few decades.

The insatiable spiritual quest that young people were on in the 1960s and 1970s just doesn’t exist right now. It was all the rage at the time of the Buddha, and perhaps it will come around again one day in the future. But it sure ain’t happening right now, and we can’t force it. These things are cyclical.

I don't subscribe to the argument that the most outwardly thriving Buddhist centers are doing something "right" and the rest had better get with the program and do something similar. We in the West are struggling to find a way to adapt and present the dharma in a manner that makes sense to this particular culture at this particular point in history. It will take some time to evolve and most of us will probably not see how this ultimately gets worked out, assuming it ever does. But if and when a distinctly Western form of Zen emerges at some point in the future, it will need to happen organically.

What appeals to large numbers of people is not necessarily indicative of quality. And having said that, we need to be aware of what seems to be resonating with people and to learn from that. The answer is somewhere in the middle I suppose.

My concern is that attempting to bend over backwards to try and please every possible age and cultural bracket would likely result in a watered down, feel-good, love and light approach to Zen practice that makes me want to barf.

All it takes is a few creative individuals with the right intention and means who can inspire interest in the teachings and more importantly, teach people how they can help themselves and others through meditation. We’re already seeing a handful of people like this, and they’re planting seeds for their students and contemporaries.

And the dharma will survive.

Here’s an interesting article about the decline of interest on the part of young people when it comes to anything even remotely religious in nature.

Thank you all for your input on such a complex matter. This has been a great discussion to follow. May it lead to some useful conclusions that can benefit everyone.

Finding a Teacher. Leaving a Teacher. Being your Own Teacher.

2010-07-30T00:24:00.012-04:00

Last month I decided to end my seminary training with my Zen teacher. This wasn't a decision I made quickly or lightly, but one that felt completely clear and right by the time I let him know after so many months of careful consideration.

I've no malice towards the man--in fact I kind of love him, really. However, a combination of logistical, philosophical, and personal reasons left me little choice but the one I made. Looking back, on some level I knew from the start he wasn't the right teacher for me yet I dove in because I think it's important to have some consistent guidance and feedback for one's practice. This wasn't possible due to his travel schedule and aside from that I found that our interviews just weren't resonating.

There's a little more to it than that but I'm already somewhat uncomfortable saying as much as I have because I have the utmost respect for this man and I deeply admire what he's done and wants to continue to do.

Lately I've been practicing with two Kwan Um school centers since I think Seung Sahn and his teachings are awesome.

This experience has reminded me that ultimately we are all our own best teachers. The Buddha made it clear that the dharma is to be our guide above any illusory authority figure. It's the dharma we are called upon to answer to and not any one teacher. In fact as I understand it, learning and practicing was supposed to be more of a communal/friendship based system in the early days of Buddhism. A few hundred years after his death the student/teacher roles we are now left with morphed out of who knows what. And the whole Zen Master thing was concocted hundreds of years later.

Anyway, I'm coming to a final decision about seminary (with another Zen order) this fall that so far seems like a very good fit. It would give me the opportunity to serve people in a capacity that honors the calling I've had for several years now and feels appropriate for how I want to contribute to circulating the dharma.

As a very good monk friend of mine said recently, the dharma has a way of pulling us in the right direction at the right time.

Here's to hoping he's right.

1,000 (B)OWS!

2010-07-07T21:26:00.013-04:00

Last Saturday at Chogye Sah Temple here in Manhattan, I showed up for their monthly 1,000 bows practice.

I'll let the Kwan Um School website explain it better than I can:

From the Dharma Mirror - Manual of Practice Forms:

Prostrations could be likened to the 'emergency measure' for clearing the mind. They are a very powerful technique for seeing the karma of a situation because both the mind and the body are involved. Something that might take days of sitting to digest may be digested in a much shorter time with prostrations.

I showed up at 5:00 pm and Myoji Sunim (the Abbess of the temple) was there encouraging everyone as they started bowing. Her chanting and hitting of the moktak provided an intensely effective focal point to the practice. For the second hour (yes it takes about 2-2.5 hours to do 1,000 full prostrations) the chanting was done by Myong Haeng, the Vice-Abbott.

There's sitting and walking meditation, chanting, and bowing.

This isn't for the physically weak--as of today (4 days later), the soreness in my legs is just starting to subside. I don't recommend such practice for anyone with leg, knee, or foot problems.

While I was skeptical at first I can easily say now that this practice was the most demanding and mind-clearing of my life.

True Blood, False Dharma

2010-06-21T11:55:00.008-04:00

Last night on True Blood Lafayette said to his cousin Tara "The Buddhists weren't crazy when they said that life is suffering!"

Here we go again.

A few months ago, Bill Maher dismissed Buddhism as being nothing more than a philosophy the spews "Life sucks, then you die."

Wrong again.

It seems that people have lots to say about Buddhism without knowing very much about it.

The "Life is Suffering" part comes from the First Noble Truth. Personally, I don't like to translate it as "suffering" since the word that was originally used was a Pali term, "dukkha." which refers to our constant sense of unease or dissatisfaction with the current state of affairs. Dukkha is that feeling we have that things are always a little less than ideal--it's always a little too hot or too cold or too boring or too intense...no matter how things are, we're always wishing they were just a little bit different.

Yes, the Buddha taught about this dukkha or unease, but he also taught about HAPPINESS. And for some reason the world doesn't seem open to hearing about this part. I think it's because many Christian religions see suffering on earth as its own reward, but we can talk about that later.

The Four Noble Truths bear some repeating, so here they are:

1. Life is Dukkah (full of unease, dissatisfaction, discomfort)
2. The cause of dukkha is craving and attachment.
3. There is a way to end this discomfort
4. The way to end this dukkha is through the Eightfold Path

Weebles Wobble but they Don't Fall Down

2010-06-11T16:37:00.014-04:00

When I was a kid I used to play with WEEBLES. Weebles are egg shaped toy figures that are weighted on the bottom so no matter how hard or how often they're pushed, they wobble around for a bit and then stand completely upright once again.

When people ask me why I meditate or whether or not I've seen any difference in my life since I starting sitting several years ago, I'm reminded of Weebles.

While I still have my ups and downs and get all kinds of crazy at times, those periods don't last nearly as long as they once did. I recover much more quickly than I used to from a bout of depression, anxiety, anger or obsessive thinking. The benefits of sitting on a regular basis are crystal clear, and I absolutely see a huge difference in the way I respond or don't respond to certain situations, circumstances, and people that would have once sent me spiraling out of control for days or weeks.

Weebles are awesome dharma teachers. Pay attention to them.

The Human Route

2010-05-20T00:45:00.003-04:00

Coming empty-handed, going empty-handed - that is human.

When you are born, where do you come from?

When you die, where do you go?

Life is like a floating cloud which appears.

Death is like a floating cloud which disappears.

The floating cloud itself originally does not exist.

Life and death, coming and going, are also like that.

But there is one thing which always remains clear.

It is pure and clear, not depending on life and death.

Then what is the one pure and clear thing?

-Zen Master Seung Sahn

Zen Hillbilly Granny

2010-05-19T00:54:00.002-04:00

I love this scene from a 1966 episode of The Beverly Hillbillies

Granny makes an art out of showing the beatnik kids how potatoes are dug up. She takes a mundane event and does it completely and authentically without having to try and think her way through it.

The beatniks are just trying hard to be counter to something while Granny is just being Granny.

Posture Matters

2010-04-30T00:14:00.015-04:00

Most of the time I sit in Burmese posture. This is generally a more manageable posture for anyone with knee issues (and I certainly have my share). So when it's necessary, it's necessary.

More recently I've been training my body to adjust to half lotus. What's preferable about the lotus or half lotus position is that they're more stable and easier on the back. It takes less work on the part of the back musculature to keep yourself upright.

I highly recommend introducing your body to half lotus or if you can handle it, go for full lotus. Take care not to hurt yourself in the process but a slight amount of tightness in the knee at first isn't unusual as you adjust so give it some time.

Zen is primarily a physical practice and it isn't supposed to feel nice and easy all the time. Having said that, beware of the Zen Nazi's out there who claim that the only way to sit is in lotus or half lotus, and if you're not sitting that way you aren't truly doing Zen meditation.

That's hogwash.

If you can make it there, you can make it anywhere

2010-04-08T22:06:00.007-04:00

Or so the song went something like that.

For me, sitting is the best thing I can do for my sense of sanity and well-being.

We're told not to expect anything or have any goals or agendas when it comes to practicing, and for the most part I do agree. But there is absolutely a tremendous benefit to meditating on a regular basis, even if it's just for 5-10 minutes a day. Better that than an hour once or twice a week, trust me.

What goes on when you're sitting goes on throughout your entire life, but you probably just don't realize it.

When we meditate the silence fosters a kind of self-awareness that isn't as readily available during the course of a normal distraction-packed day. However it's very easy to avoid the work of studying ourselves because it's much more fun and tempting to engage in fantasy, planning and speculation.

We don't meditate so we can excel at the art of meditation.

If you can sit and concentrate your mind long enough and regularly enough, you can bring that quality of stillness and clarity with you into the rest of your life.

Salvation is Right Under Your Nose

2010-03-23T15:12:00.001-04:00

Just open your eyes

Pay attention

Meditate

Be kind

Use Your Karma Before it uses You

2010-02-23T18:55:00.008-05:00

People often whine about "their bad karma"; usually those things they're faced with in life that they perceive as challenges or obstacles. I'm not altogether sure how to make sense of reincarnation or how choices made in the past could end up impacting the future. And it gets pretty dicey when we try to discern the reasons why some people are suffering while others appear to have an easy life. The chain of events that form our lives as they are today are very complex and mysterious so it’s best not to get too caught up in the prequel and instead simply deal with this movie we find ourselves in.

We all have to cope with circumstances that are less than ideal—that just comes with being alive. It doesn’t matter how we got to where we are today because all we have is right now. What matters most is what we do with our present situation.

To borrow the often used analogy, don't stand around questioning where the arrow in your chest came from, just pull it out.

Paying someone to tell you who or what you were in a past life is ludicrous and a waste of time. If you believed you've lived before and want some insight into your past incarnation, then simply look at your life as it is right now. That will tip you off to all of the decisions you made before. Everything comes from something. If you plant an orange seed, you get an orange tree. Just figure it out without attaching to the endless list of possible reasons and stories and explanations.

What we don't realize is that what might look and feel and smell like bad karma could really be our saving grace. The things that suck about our lives are the things that leave us the most room for growth. They can be our tool for awakening so we can better help ourselves and other people.

When we see our karma as nothing but punishment for past deeds, we're more likely to be complacent and fall into self-pity mode. Using use our life situation as an excuse rather than as an impetus to give to the world in some way means that our karma is using us.

So instead of getting wrapped up in how you may have arrived at your own particular version of misery, and why things seem to suck as much as they do, you can take what you have in this life, both the good and the bad, and make use of it.

Use your present situation in life to help other people no matter what it is. At the very least you can pray on your pain in the hopes that no one else has to feel it as you do. Or at the most you can find some way to help alleviate it in someone else.

So instead of letting your karma get the best of you, use it to full advantage and transform it into your own unique means of saving all beings everywhere.

Or for starters, help just one person.

Prayer

2010-01-28T01:02:00.003-05:00

Mother Theresa was once asked about her prayer life.

The interviewer asked, "When you pray, what do you say to God?"

Mother Teresa replied, "I don't talk, I simply listen."

Believing he understood what she had just said, the interviewer next asked, "Ah, then what is it that God says to you when you pray?"

Mother Teresa replied, "He also doesn't talk. He also simply listens."

There was a long silence, with the interviewer seeming a bit confused and not knowing what to ask next.

Finally Mother Teresa breaks the silence by saying, "If you can't understand the meaning of what I've just said, I'm sorry but there's no way I can explain it any better."

Martin Luther King Day Prayer

2010-01-18T10:29:00.020-05:00

I recited a prayer yesterday at the 6th Annual Interreligious Prayer Service for Peace and Justice commemorating Dr. Martin Luther King. It took place at the Unification Theological Seminary on West 43rd Street. I was there on behalf of my teacher who needed to be at the temple for Sunday services. Sunim had given me an awesome version of the Metta Sutta Meditation on Lovingkindness to read but when I arrived I was given something much shorter due to time constraints (there were 9 people reading a prayer from their respective faiths) While I'm not sure who wrote it, it was pretty decent nonetheless. I had to practice saying "beneficent celestials" (whatever the heck they are) a few times before my spot because I'm very often and easily tongue-tied. Had I known that phrase was in it beforehand I'd have reworded it because I don't think we should be holding our breath for friendly aliens to help us here on earth (or perhaps I'm being too literal) but what's done is done.

You can see the video here (thanks to my fiancee and his iPhone)

Seven Buddhalicious New Year's Resolutions

2010-01-11T01:07:00.002-05:00

Since most of us have surely broken our resolutions by now, I came up with a list that makes sense to me and doesn’t involve any new gym memberships, money expenditures, schooling, or dietary restrictions:

1. Set aside at least a few minutes a day to be still and silent. Let the mud settle so you can have some clarity and peace of mind. As my teacher says, it’s more important to do a minimum amount of practice regularly than a maximum amount of practice sporadically. Translation: five minutes a day every day is better than forty five minutes once or twice a week.

2. Practice generosity even when you're not in the most generous of moods and may feel like you'd much rather be the recipient than the giver.

3. Don’t indulge the voices and thoughts from inside that criticize yourself and others, and keep you mired in the past and worrying about the future. This isn't about repressing them or pretending they aren't there mind you, but just about not giving any weight to them anymore.

4. Recognize the power of speech and use words wisely. I'm talking about a post-"I’m not gonna be PC" mindset where you don't just say anything that comes to mind simply because you can, but instead realizing that the words we choose and use have a very real impact on ourselves and others. I've actually had to explain to several people recently why it's not ok to use the word "gay" to describe something as being outdated, overly feminine (whatever that means), distasteful, or geeky.

5. Look people in the eye and smile at them even if you think there's absolutely no chance you'll ever see them or need them again. This applies to the bank teller, the grocery store check out clerk, a homeless person, your next door neighbor (this can be a hard one for New Yorkers), your annoying mother, just about anyone you encounter on any given day. And don’t get pissy if they don’t smile back or respond, don’t expect anything at all, just do it freely and openly and notice how it feels (even if it feels strange).

6. Pay attention. Don’t get lost or zone out throughout the day, or rush through the things you consider a chore or a nuisance. Wash the dishes carefully and mindfully. Shovel the shit off the sidewalk with the same attention you’d give to arranging a vase of flowers. Keep an open and curious attitude toward the physical experience of each moment. Don’t miss out on your life in search of the next momentary distraction in the form of food or sex or shopping.

7. Remember that we’re all made of the same stuff, the same universal substance. Recognize the divinity and worth in every living thing, even if you don’t care for the particular form that it’s currently taking. It doesn’t make sense for a wave to see itself as any different from the foam at its tip, so try not to hate anyone even if they act like “the enemy.” H20 is water at one temperature, steam at a higher temperature, and ice at a lower temperature. Yet it’s all H20 just the same.

Original Goodness, Original Sin

2009-12-31T14:02:00.013-05:00

The beginning of a new year is a great time to remind ourselves that we can approach our lives in a fresh and open way. It's a good time to start with a clean slate, to set our calculator-minds back to zero, to erase our metaphorical chalk boards so we can get back in touch with our true nature and operate from there rather than that delusional place that believes we're all separate from everyone and everything else.

During my twelve years of Catholic school I was taught that we’re all born with original sin. Having been born essentially tainted, we're asked to search for salvation outside of ourselves even though Jesus Christ himself said that the kingdom of God is within you.

Buddhism teaches that we come into this world with what I call original goodness, or Buddha nature: a pure, perfect, loving nature that we simply need to get back in touch with. It’s always there just as the sun is always shining even behind the clouds on a stormy day. It isn’t something we need to try and get, it’s something we merely need to uncover.

If we’re going through life from the starting point of being damaged goods in need of repair from some far away and disconnected entity that judges us and our actions as good or bad, our motivations and behavior will be one way. But if we approach life from a place where we realize we’re inherently good, and we take the time to sit silently and mindfully so we can get a real glimpse of that goodness, then our actions will always be natural and right on. There won’t be any need to for over-thinking anything or following someone else’s set of one-size-fits-all rules. We can be in touch with our hearts and our true nature enough to know what the right course of action is at any given moment.

May we all attain a degree of sanity and peace of mind so we can better serve ourselves and each other.

Happy New Year!

Christmas

2009-12-24T23:47:00.003-05:00

May we all appreciate each and every moment and fully recognize how precious our lives are.

May we stop grasping at outer sources of happiness and learn to sit in noble silence long enough to uncover the joy and goodness that already exists within us.

May we acknowledge the dignity and worth inherent in ourselves and every other being and thing around us.

Merry Christmas.

Street Prajna

2009-12-03T20:23:00.014-05:00

In New York City we're very used to seeing people living on the street. We're a little too used to it.

Today I walked past the same homeless man on the sidewalk twice (once on my way to the gym and once on my way home). He was hunched forward as he gestured around with his hand as if talking to someone, very dazed and lethargic. He was in that in-between place that's hard to figure out--he might have been feverish or drunk or mentally ill but without interacting with him directly it was impossible to judge.

He helped me realize today that the more thinking I do, the less helpful I am. On a good day I'll see someone who appears to need some kind of assistance and simply respond in the best possible way, without plotting or thinking or second guessing myself.

Today I looked at this man and considered the possibility that I might catch some sort of skin disease by helping him. I wondered if anyone I knew would see me and think I was trying to be some in-your-face show-off do-gooder, or even worse, think I wasn't being a "real New Yorker" by not rushing by like everyone else was.

I thought about so much while this guy may have just needed a quarter or a sandwich or some serious medical attention.

This is all assuming he wanted or even needed my help. For all I know he might have been having a better day than I was. And my fantasies about coming to his aid may have been nothing more than the rumblings of my hungry ego.

We really aren't served very well and we certainly don't serve others very well when we rely on our thoughts alone. We're so disconnected from our hearts and our fundamental wisdom by the haze of thinking that seeps into every aspect of our daily experience that we miss opportunities to be present for ourselves and each other.

My teacher Sunim reminded me last night how important it is to incorporate our practice into our everyday life, no matter how busy or crazy or challenging our lives may be. May we all find a way to do that and serve those who need us.

Right Under Your Nose

2009-11-25T11:02:00.009-05:00

May we use this time to remind ourselves that who we are right now is more than enough.

What we have right now is just fine.

The conditions of our life as they are in this moment are simply the way they are.

May we all learn to be content with what is right in front of us, since the only thing we can truly count on is that life will always be just as it is (nod to Charlotte Joko Beck).

Happy Thanksgiving!

Tidy Home, Tidy Mind

2009-11-20T02:14:00.003-05:00

What Zen practice affirms for me is how important it is to have regard for our environment. While it may strike some as rigid and superficial to clean one's mat and cushion off every time a meditation session is over, it's really part of the practice of paying attention to what's happening right here and right now. My teacher Samu Sunim stresses this often. It matters that I stand dead center and right in front of my cushion each time I bow. It matters that the mats get cleaned before every Sunday public meditation service, even if no one shows up.

If we can have this kind of regard for every aspect of our life, this can have an impact on our practice and on our mind. Good habits on the outside are naturally part of what's inside, and vice versa. There is no separation.

The Importance of Surrender

2009-11-04T02:31:00.008-05:00

We constantly have to let go, we have to do this over and over again.

Snakes shed their skin, trees shed their leaves, and we must shed the multitude of beliefs and words and things we identify with if we are ever to end our suffering.

People who spend their lives working hard to restrict and repeal the rights of others might as well be chopping off their left hands with their right ones. People who see them as the enemy are like an ocean wave that believes itself to be separate from the foam at its tip.

Attaching to a legal status for some false sense of solid ground is futile, even for those that can take such a status for granted. Hoping for the day when a majority of people favor equal rights for all beings is a noble cause and one that should be fought for diligently, but in the meantime, it is important to surrender to this moment and to the way things are right now.

The only other option is to be blown around by the political winds of the moment, and to be elated or deflated by the twists and turns of our extremely slow-to-change social mores.

Throw it all away, focus on your breath, do your part to end suffering for all beings.

Staying Still

2009-09-28T09:07:00.005-04:00

The other day I saw a woman walking her dog in lower Manhattan (a fairly common site in a city where most are more likely to have a pet than a spouse). When faced with the traffic whizzing down Fifth Avenue, just before they were about to cross it, the dog suddenly stopped walking, froze in his tracks, and lay down on the sidewalk. People were passing by them, before them, behind them, but he was was having none of it. With all of the activity and rushing and noise around him, he decided to stop and be still for a few moments. His owner was flushed as she tried tugging at the leash to get him up and moving again to no avail.

We could all learn a lesson from that dog. Sometimes it's important to just pause and be still.

Right Now

2009-08-09T10:51:00.009-04:00

The sound of the oscillating fan whirring back and forth doing it's job of cooling off the room.

The glow of the computer monitor that I consider man-made moonlight falls onto my outstretched hands.

The sound of cars zooming north on 8th Avenue outside my window, doing their job of taking people from here to there.

The occasional clacking noise I hear from the coffee maker every few minutes tells me it is keeping my coffee warm.

Just being here right now.

Anti-Impermanence Injections

2009-07-27T23:14:00.014-04:00

If you want to see just how far some of us go to avoid the inevitability of impermanence, just look at a person's face. I see lots of people with foreheads that eerily lack any sign of aging, and eyebrows forever frozen in place from regular botox injections. More than a few TV and movie actors purposely limit their ability to emote and express naturally by paying dermatologists to pump them up with artificial fillers and botulism toxins that paralyze their muscles just so they can have smoother skin. More often then not the end result is imbalanced—it's like buying a brand new couch and sticking it in your living room amidst all your shabby old furniture—the newness of the couch makes everything around it look all the more tattered and worn out.

We all know we can't live forever and that change is inevitable yet we desperately try to keep things just as they are. We think we can halt or turn back the clock with the latest face cream or dietary supplement or risky plastic surgery. We spend hours of our time and thousands of dollars at the gym to fight any sign of aging. We try to keep people in the roles we're comfortable with, limiting their growth and our own in the process. We repeat old patterns of behavior that cause us suffering rather than trying a new way of relating to ourselves and the world that might give us some peace of mind and inspire happiness in the people we come in contact with.

I'm not entirely sure why I do some of these things (fortunately I can't stomach the idea of injecting my face with anything) or what exactly I'm trying to stave off other than the eventual ceasing of my existence in this particular form.

As I turn another year older today I'm aware of these tendencies of mine, of this inborn desire we all have to fix and improve and put off what we label as undesirable but in reality is completely unstoppable and natural.

Post-Retreat Report

2009-07-12T12:07:00.007-04:00

I was assaulted during the first day of retreat. Not by another person but by my own mind. I can't remember feeling so trapped and resentful since my first day of kindergarten over 35 years ago.

I was furious with my Zen teacher because during the first morning meditation period when it was my turn for my "interview" (called Dokusan in the Japanese Zen lineages, and called I-don't-know-what in the Korean Zen traditions) he knew precisely was I wanted to ask him about before I even had a chance to speak. And he was saying exactly the opposite of what I wanted to hear since built into my question was the answer I wanted. I don't want to go into the details of what we talked about because these interview sessions are private and based on a student's individual needs. Suffice it to say I was dumbfounded by how he intuitively knew exactly what needed to be addressed as I approached him.

Instead of recognizing that as further evidence that he was the right teacher for me, I spent the rest of the sitting period (all three hours) coming up with a laundry list of reasons why I'd made a mistake by choosing him in the first place, and how once back in New York City I'd approach that "other teacher" I was considering just a few months earlier. The one who'd be more inclined to hold my hand through the rough spots and charm me with their softer, more Western approach to the dharma, what I thought I needed, as opposed to the hardcore, old-school approach that Sunim offered. No, I just don't respond very well to that, or at least that's what I thought that morning when my brain was basically throwing up all over me.

During the retreat, every minute of the day from 5 in the morning until 10 at night was scheduled for us, so once my mind settled into the experience I felt an incredible sense of contentment, and even joy at some very odd moments.

After lunch one day, after thoroughly cleaning the small bowl I had just eaten from by scraping every last crumb up with my index finger (I was just following everyone else's lead) I presented it to one of the Zen teachers for inspection in the kitchen before it went into the sink for washing. She eyeballed it, inside and out, and then put her hands together, bowing before me with a sincere look of gratitude and appreciation for what I'd just done. Never before had bowing back to someone seemed such an obvious and natural thing to do in return. I'd always felt a little strange about bowing until that moment, the highlight of my retreat experience.

There was no hot water or showers or private, comfortable sleeping quarters. It was all arranged to remove us from our normal day to day comforts and distractions and leave us with…with just ourselves and our minds I guess. And frankly I was shocked at how unruly my mind can be when things are the slightest bit out of whack.

The thing is, up until that day I really thought that I was a very "free" man—I mean, I work for myself and my schedule is basically my own and so I honestly believed that this meant I was free. I now see that freedom has nothing to do with those things. It has more to do with how I approach each moment before me. And much of the way I spend my own time, my "free time" isn't as fulfilling as it was to wipe my bowl clean and get an approving bow from a silent woman in gray robes.

On July 4 I took the precepts and received the dharma name Nosan (prounced NOH-SAHN) which means "old or ancient mountain." I love this name and I'm gradually incorporating it into my life. I think dharma names sometimes signify a quality someone already has or one that needs to be grown into, or perhaps a little of both. I'm not entirely sure what Sunim intended by naming me this but I do think it is my responsibility to uncover the layers of meaning buried within this name over the years as I continue to practice.

Retreat

2009-06-27T02:04:00.010-04:00

I'm going on my first retreat in Toronto this weekend, and on the 4th of July I'll be taking the precepts (another first for me). What I'm the most curious about is what exactly will constitute "work practice." I understand it can mean anything from washing dishes to mopping the floor to raking leaves so I find this very intriguing. I'm so used to my daily routine and being completely in control of every minute of my day--I'm self employed and very independent by nature, so the idea of someone else deciding for me when wake up in the morning, when I sit or do walking meditation or when I do chores or what kind of chores I do is quite a novelty. It is really doing a number on my head. Not necessarily a bad number, just a number.

Buddhism Ain't Just Books

2009-06-18T13:41:00.003-04:00

At a sangha meeting a few weeks ago we had an evening of intensive practice (sitting and walking) instead of the usual group discussion format (a short sit followed by a group discussion of some assigned reading material). Someone later commented to me on the side how he really preferred to talk than to meditate, and how much better he liked our "regular meetings." He meant no harm in saying this nor was he being critical—he was merely expressing a preference and in doing so did me a huge favor.

He inadvertently helped me realize that I'd been doing the group a disservice by not emphasizing the importance of regular practice enough. I discovered that I was in the same trap that a lot of Western Buddhists are in--the bottomless pit of dharma books and talks and cd's and mp3's and podcasts that do their best to explain Buddhism in purely intellectual terms. This is absolutely fine and necessary and a huge part of the practice life but first and foremost the whole point is that we have to PRACTICE…

If we know intellectually that touching a hot stove will burn our finger, we have some abstract concepts about what a burn might feel like, and how much it might hurt to touch it. We can talk about it and ponder it and write about it which is all well and good. If we actually touch a hot stove and scream "holy shit, that's hot!", our understanding of hotness and what it feels like to have burning finger flesh becomes much more real. We're experiencing something rather than thinking about it. That's the best way to truly understand something as far as I can tell.

We can talk about the dharma until we're blue in the face but if we don't sit regularly we can't ever fully grasp it.

Endings

2009-06-10T01:53:00.009-04:00

On Saturday I received my certificate from the chaplaincy training program at the New York Zen Center for Contemplative Care. It was a very emotional experience for me, since our group had formed a unique bond over the past 10 months. Knowing them and being in their company taught me about kindness, authenticity, and how to give selflessly.

I thought I knew about all of these things when I started but I was wrong.

They all gave me so much without even realizing it, and it was a privilege to be in their company. I am missing them already.

Don't Roll Around in the Shit

2009-05-25T12:11:00.006-04:00

Most of us believe that we are just not meant to experience pain. We’re genetically wired to resist it at any cost--which is perfectly understandable. If we didn't have a natural aversion to pain, we'd be ridiculously reckless most of the time because they're wouldn't be any incentive not to be. The problem is not that pain is a basic fact of life, but the way in which we handle this.

The Buddha taught that shit happens, but we don't have to roll around in it.

The first noble truth is that life is suffering. Suffering here can describe anything ranging from our relatively minor discomfort with the weather ( i.e. I love when it's warm out but I hate the humidity!) to the utter disgust and hatred some of us feel towards ourselves (i.e. I’m so fucking fat…I’m such a loser…why can’t I meet the right guy/girl?...my father was so mean to me and that’s why I’m so screwed up….)

We suffer when we combine our inborn aversion to pain with our misguided belief that the current state of affairs should be other than what they are.

Pain happens, and it's mandatory. None of us can live a pain-free life. Suffering is optional since it's merely something we create in response to that pain. We suffer when we try to push pain away. We do this in all kinds of ways, most commonly by creating a story in our heads around a painful experience. Then to top it off, we believe our thoughts as if they're real and then make decisions and engage in behaviors based on our deluded thinking.

Ain't that swell?

I'm slowly beginning to realize that I suffer when I refuse to simply experience unpleasant physical sensations and thoughts directly and instead choose to build a psychodrama around them. When I connect to the pain by feeling it's unique qualities, I allow myself some breathing room and the degree of my suffering decreases.

Sounds simple I know, but it isn't always easy.

One of our techniques for dealing with pain is to muster up some anger and blame someone else for it. A while back I tried this with a good friend of mine who was going through a rough break up. I encouraged her to "get angry" because I found her suffering too threatening somehow, too hard to witness. I didn't realize this at the time however and honestly thought I was doing her a favor by encouraging her to feel anger instead of the underlying pain she needed to experience.

We often look at pain as an obstacle to our spiritual life and forget that it is the one of the best vehicles to help us reach some level of balance in our lives. Practicing with pain and discomfort is one of the most useful things we can do. One of the points of meditation is to train us to sit with anything that comes up without running away from it. Sometimes it can be an itch on the nose that we really, really want to scratch, or a foot that falls asleep and freaks us out so much that we think we’ll never regain feeling in it again, or a dull pain in our knees that begs us to give it a break for a few seconds.

Whatever it is that comes up when we sit comes up in a much larger way in the rest of our lives. So when we say we're practicing by meditating, we really are practicing for our entire lives.

Spring Showers

2009-05-04T00:21:00.006-04:00

On Friday evening I went to a party in Brooklyn. It was warm and drizzling when I left Manhattan on the F train but when I arrived in Park Slope it began pouring just as I was climbing up the subway stairs. It was cool enough to warrant a light jacket but wearing one caused me to perspire, just a little bit. Even though I had one of those small, cheap $5 umbrellas that magically appear on every city street corner and store front the second it begins to rain, I decided to wait out the onslaught of precipitation by hanging out under the canopy on the side of a corner restaurant. It was just about 7 pm and the sunlight was diffused softly through the bright clouds, and the trees lining the street were vibrantly green. The scent of newly growing foliage permeated the air and I could see a young woman looking up at the sky from her small table. It's really spring now.

What's Eating You? A Reflection on the precept "Not Indulging in Anger"

2009-04-30T18:57:00.013-04:00

“What’s eating you?” is the perfect thing to ask since anger really does eat away at us emotionally and physically.

I see it as a habitual, conditioned response that shields against anything that would require me to feel more fragile and open. There is always something underneath anger I'd rather not experience—usually fear or sadness. My anger can be ignited by something as minor as an unintentional bump in the subway, or by something I perceive to be poor treatment by someone else: a remark that I decide is hurtful, or a behavior that I interpret as insensitive.

What lays beneath my anger is the misconception that there are certain ways in which the course of history ought to progress, and when it doesn’t go according to my grand plan I want to pick up my marbles and run over to another corner of the playground where everything is more to my liking.

My mind is like a mini courtroom with a virtual judge and jury that constantly weighs in on every situation I encounter. I deem some of these situations to be unfair or unjust and I get a lot of pleasure out of coming up with reasons as to why I'm "right". Most of the time the defense produces a very compelling case that justifies why I am angry and who is to blame. Not surprisingly, this inner jury almost always decides in my favor.

There is no such thing as “righteous anger” because nothing good is ever produced from an angry thought or a decision made under the influence of this emotion. Our culture is very big on expressing anger and even psychologists and psychotherapists encourage us to do so. I used to think that expressing anger was a wonderful thing, even if it meant punching a pillow or screaming out loud in an empty room. I’m no longer so sure that expressing anger really does anything beneficial at all—and in fact I tend to think that doing so might be harmful and ultimately counterproductive. I think the best way to deal with anger is to simply experience the emotion, to be aware of the thoughts that set it off, and to feel physical sensations that accompany it. It really does feel great when we lash out at another person by yelling, arguing or behaving aggressively—for a moment. But anger is a bottomless pit, an insatiable fire that wants to be constantly fed with the coals of our insecurities, our sadness, and our fears.

Some people think that getting angry is a necessary component of social change. But the people that are looked up to the most in this world acted with a passion that was tempered with awareness, patience, and loving action. None of the public figures that we admire today (ie Martin Luther King, Nelson Mandela, Gandhi, Mother Theresa, the Dalai Lama) attained their status by being aggressive or cruel. What makes them so memorable is that they achieved great things by helping countless numbers of people through their positive actions and their virtuous examples.

We can work through anger by being aware of it and how it really feels in our bodies. It is important to become aware of the underlying emotions and thought patterns that give way to the rage we suffer from if we ever hope to move beyond it. If we relate to our anger instead of from it, we have a chance to free ourselves from the pattern of behaviors that cause so much harm to ourselves and others. If we let ourselves simply experience anger instead of reacting whenever it comes up, it will gradually lose its hold over us.

It isn't a stumbling block on our way to waking up. It is an invaluable tool that will help us do so, as long as we pay attention.

Buddhism and Sexuality

2009-04-25T01:51:00.025-04:00

This was a response I added to a posting on another blog about sexworkers and Buddhism. It is rather brief considering how complex a matter sexuality is, but I think it effectively sums up my view about sexuality and morality:

I think sexuality or any other area of life can be engaged in wisely or unwisely.

It is true that a sex worker could misuse sex. It is also true that a psychologist could misuse psychology or a hair stylist could misuse cosmetology. If we are not mindful, aware, and well-intentioned, the results of any of our activities can be negative.

If our aspiration is positive, and we stay present and aware as much as possible, the effects of our behavior are more likely to be positive. This goes for a sex worker, bricklayer, politician, psychotherapist, athlete, whatever.

It is odd how people single out sex for misuse and put a lot time and energy into moralizing over it while at the same time claiming that buddhism is not a judgmental religion.

Let’s be mindful of that and not give in to the usual negative knee jerk reactions when it comes to sexuality.

Just Sitting or Just Hiding?

2009-04-19T11:14:00.005-04:00

My initial approach to meditation was very misguided-I believed it was going to do all kinds of things for me and make my life easier. I thought I'd morph into this robo version of myself, replete with a soft voice and permanently pasted on smile, never getting angry or upset or bothered by anyone. I'd be impervious to anything negative and pearls of zen wisdom would spontaneously pour from my lips as needed.

It took me a while to realize that the changes that come with practice, if there are any changes at all, are more subtle than that. And if they do happen, they aren't all that noticeable right away, or at least they weren't for me.

Most religions or philosophies offer the promise of a grand prize if you play the game of life just right. The motivation for being a "good person", whatever the hell that is, is that you'll go to heaven or have a better next life or get the bicycle of your dreams if you can just visualize it strongly enough (remember The Secret?)

The way I see it, Zen offers no guarantee of a better afterlife or even a better next week. What it does offer, if we practice, is a better experience of life overall. In this moment. Right here and now. There are no fairytales or promises or magical cures, just an emphasis on a regular sitting practice so that we can better know ourselves and our minds so that eventually we are longer be so beholden to our thoughts.

That's something I can work with and believe in.

It's very tempting to view practice as a means of escaping rather than a tool for embracing our lives as they are. This was certainly how I saw it in the beginning.

The real payoff comes when we learn to stop running away from this moment in search of something better because true joy is right under our noses right now but we're too blind to see it most of the time.

Big Mind, Big B.S.

2009-04-09T08:37:00.022-04:00

There is someone out there who claims "you will have in one day — before lunch actually — the clarity and experience that a Zen master has. But Zen is seen as the school of sudden enlightenment. And we're just making sure it remains sudden."

I find it troubling that someone can package enlightenment as if it were a lunchtime Botox session, with no down time.

By "sudden enlightenment" I'm sure no one ever meant that sartori should come about without the necessary time spent on a cushion or in a chair meditating. A seed does not produce a tall and steady tree in just a few days—it takes a good deal of time and a confluence of proper conditions ranging from good soil to light and adequate hydration. When and if it does come, I'm told, it can seem quite sudden indeed, but to promise people that your patented "Big Mind" process will provide them with a shortcut to enlightenment is irresponsible and even dangerous.

Anyone can be part of the Big Heart Circle plan and go on a 5 day retreat in Stein Eriksen Lodge Deer Valley, Utah on May 18 for only $100,000! If that's out of your price range another option is to go to Hawaii in June for only $50,000. And for if you can't afford that, you can take advantage of the $10,000 weekend in Utah this July. I'm not joking, you can see all of this HERE.

Just as I was about to publish this piece, I got a spam email from a website with the name "Sartori" in it that peddles psychic readings for up to $7.99 per minute. I'm an astrologer and I'll be the first one to tell you that while a reading can be very helpful and insightful, it isn't going to give you enlightenment. That is something we all have to discover within ourselves after a lot of hard work and time on the cushion.

As our practice matures, we move from a place of wanting to get something out of it to simply doing it. And over time, if we're really practicing well, we aspire to practice so that we can be of better service to others rather than being preoccupied with what practice can do for us. (The JFK speech comes to mind about what we can do for our country vs. what it can do for us.)

So it is very disturbing to hear Genpo Roshi packaging Zen Buddhism as if it were instant oatmeal.

Let's face it, very few things that are lasting and meaningful in life come about without at least some degree of effort and struggle and patience. And those things that do fall onto our laps easily are the very things we end up taking for granted in the long run.

We all want stuff to happen quickly and easily, and promises like these are very tempting. In fact, during my early days of practice I started watching Genpo Roshi clips on Youtube but fortunately something told me I wasn't hearing authentic Zen Buddhism and with very little research was able to see why.

Buyer, beware.

Ven. Samu Sanim of the Buddhist Society for Compassionate Wisdom

2009-04-04T22:58:00.003-04:00

Samu Sanim is a Korean Seon sunim of the Jogye Order. He received Dharma transmission from Zen Master Weolha Sunim in 1983. He has taught primarily in Canada and the United States, having opened centers in Toronto, New York, Ann Arbor, Michigan and Chicago, Illinois as well as Mexico City.

He was born in Korea in 1941, suffering the loss of both parents at an early age. He was orphaned at age eleven and became homeless. After several years of living on the streets, Samu was ordained as a Buddhist monk at Pomo-sa in Pusan, Korea in 1956 (age 15). He moved to Japan in order to avoid conscription and relocated to the United States in 1968, where he established the Zen Lotus Society in New York (today named the Buddhist Society for Compassionate Wisdom).

Reflection on Planning My Own Funeral

2009-03-05T22:04:00.010-05:00

This is a reflection paper I wrote for my chaplaincy training class. As an assignment we were asked to plan our own funeral and to go through the process of making arrangements at a funeral home for our own service.

REFLECTION

I purposely scheduled my visit to a local funeral home as I would any other chore—I made it happen between my shift at the hospice and just before I went grocery shopping. I can't tell if this means I am very comfortable with the reality of my eventual death or if it means I'm simply not taking it seriously enough. I really don't know for sure either way but I tend to think I'm relatively comfortable with the knowledge that I am absolutely going to die one day.

When I met with the director I felt a tad guilty for taking up any of his time considering my visit was partly an assignment for this course and not because my death is really imminent, at least as far as I know. It was rather odd to sit at a table and watch him itemize the various costs involved with a service and viewing on a form the way a car salesman might do had I been shopping for a Honda. If I did want to have a one-day viewing, my dead self would have the option of renting a coffin for $700. Something about being there and looking at the coffin samples clarified for me that I really want to be cremated and that over my dead body will there ever be a formal viewing of my dead body.

As I sat there I tried to muster up some heavy emotion, thinking an experience such as this should have felt more eventful and traumatic than it actually did. I thought of what it must have been like for all of the people who sat in that room before me and all of those that would follow. I thought about what it must have felt like for them to be making arrangements for their own death or that of a loved one. And then I felt some sadness and a very palpable sense of loneliness. Not the kind of loneliness that seeks company as a remedy, but the realization that death is so deeply personal an experience, and each of our deaths is going to be as unique and individualized as each of our lives. And ultimately no one knows our moment to moment experience as well as we do, nor will anyone else be able to fully understand our death experience as well as we will ourselves.

Reacting vs Responding

2009-02-23T16:17:00.005-05:00

Last night at our sangha meeting we had a really interesting discussion about the differences between reacting and responding. Hearing people's thoughts helped me clarify my own about what this means.

When we react, we're on autopilot because our behavior is governed by repetitive conditioning that took place in the past. Something happened in the outside world that wasn't to our liking so we formed a reactive behavior of one sort or another to act as a shield against any potential misery that might come about if things don't go just as we'd like them to. As kids, we'd scream and carry on when we had a parent tell us we couldn't have that cookie before dinner or stay up past our bedtime. We carry our automatic reactions into adulthood, only we've cleverly adapted them so that they seem more justifiable and socially acceptable.

We're only truly free when we're able to pause for a moment before responding to someone or something that pushes our buttons. There is no freedom when we react like a robot: when we do that we're nothing more than a prisoner of our past conditioned experiences.

Those moments of anger are the most difficult to control because when we're angry we often thing we have to respond NOW and in the loudest, boldest way possible. But if we just sit with our anger and get really up close and personal with it, we can see that it doesn't necessarily require the extreme and hurtful behavior we're normally so tempted to attach to it.

As we sit and practice each day, we create more spaciousness in our heads and therefore in our lives. When we function with a mind that is bigger and calmer, we're not as likely to be hasty and hurtful and counterproductive.

Meditation in the Dentist's Chair

2009-02-02T21:21:00.014-05:00

This morning I had an appointment with my dentist to have two cavities filled (only 5 more to go! Yay!)

For as long as I can remember, my way of coping with dental visits was to distract my body and my brain as much as possible from the pain, discomfort, and awkwardness of the experience. I mean, there is a whole lot of drilling and drooling to contend with at the dentist's office and if there were ever any moments of my life I hesitated to embrace, it would be these.

One method of distraction I'd use was to focus entirely on my hands--and as soon as the huge scary novacaine needle was about to pierce the wall of my mouth, I'd start tapping or scratching the top of my left hand with my right one, in a semi-successful attempt at redirecting my awareness from one area of my body to the other. And of course I'd keep my eyes closed and picture myself sipping on fruity cocktails in an exotic beach somewhere very far away from here. As usual I'd attempt to push away the unpleasant, and summon a degree of neutral-to-semi-unpleasant sensations in their place.

Today I experimented with sitting zazen in the dentist's chair. As I lay there reclined in the chair, I simply focused on my breathing and paid keen attention to the cold sharpness of the needle as it dug into the top row of my gums. I kept completely still as my hands rested on each of the chair arms, my body open and vulnerable to the entire experience. My mouth and tongue gradually numbed, and I took stock of what that felt like: nothing actually, it felt like nothing. A second injection followed and again, I sat motionless, and didn't entertain any judgments or opinions about what was happening, I just let it happen and submitted to the moment.

My dentist conversed with her assistant as she filled my two teeth (are they still putting mercury into our mouths?) and before I knew it, it was all over. Uncomfortable and awkward, complete with saliva streaming down my numbed-out mouth and onto my shirt, but it was over.

No big deal, just a dental appointment I decided to keep.

By the way, if you don't floss now, start.

Fireflies in the Morning

2009-01-29T19:05:00.009-05:00

When I was a kid I was fascinated by the fireflies I'd see hovering around in the hot evening summer air. One night I trapped a few of them between my cupped hands and stuck them into a jar, screwing the top on and leaving it on the side of our suburban home. I thought that by doing this I'd be able to have a mini-light show again in the morning and throughout the day.

By the time I got to the jar the next morning, the fireflies were already half dead and barely able to fly around, and I had inadvertently zapped any trace of the energy that enabled them to pulsate with their brilliant yellow glow. Suddenly they looked like ordinary insects and I was very disappointed. Frustrated, I let them out of the jar and squashed them against the pavement with my foot. For just a few seconds I could see a trace of that amazing glowing light streaked across the sidewalk, only now I couldn't enjoy it at all as I could the night before--it felt artificial and anticlimactic.

I do the same thing now as a grown man, only in other ways that most people think are logical—through grasping and trying to hold on to those experiences that give me some pleasure.

When we try to hold onto an experience or person that pleases us, we're instantly setting up a situation where the only possible outcome is suffering. We naturally try to hold onto things and people, hoping that they'll stay the same and perform for us whenever and however we want them to.

By doing this we're confining both ourselves and the object of our desire within a virtual jar, just as I did with those fireflies. And all that does is to suck the life and spontaneity out of things because we're resisting the natural ebb and flow of life and instead demanding that it be a certain way at all times, with no room for change or growth or new possibilities.

When we can appreciate the beautiful brilliance that each new moment offers us without latching onto it or fearing its eventual absence, we allow ourselves an escape from suffering and an authentic sense of freedom.

Not Being Ignorant / Do Not Get Intoxicated (a paper on the precept)

2009-01-07T20:59:00.003-05:00

This is a portion of my monthly precept paper for the Zen Center Chaplaincy Training program.

Not Being Ignorant
(Seeing Things Clearly)

The way in which I get the most clouded and unclear about things is through anger. Anger is extremely alluring and intoxicating because when I am angry my sense of identity and separateness is at its strongest. When something "out there" offends or hurts me "over here" I feel as solid and substantial as I possibly can and that sensation is very appealing.

The moment I fall into anger I'm no longer living in the present moment. Instead, I am reacting to something based on an erroneous belief I've formed in the past or assumptions I'm making about the present or future. Either way the ensuing thoughts and feelings aren't based in reality—but they do pump up my ego and this gives both the angry thoughts and feelings the illusion of realness. Rage gives me a real high, and the ensuing drama that goes on within my head is usually much more interesting than whatever it is I simply need to do at any given moment. I rob myself of just being here when I allow my thoughts to swirl around and feed them with attention or action. This gives way to fanciful conversations, imagined political debates with world leaders I'll most likely never meet, and blistering verbal attacks on anyone I'm at odds with or was at odds with at any point in time.

What's great about anger is that it gives me an outer focal point to blame for its presence—and the oxymoronic righteous indignation that goes hand and hand with it causes me to feel very superior and important. To support my case, I make a mental list of the reasons why I'm right and someone else is wrong. I'm certain that if only the object of my rage would be rational for a moment, they'd see how awful they are and how wonderful I am (and maybe even thank me for pointing out their fatal flaws).

For me, anger takes me away more than my use of alcohol does. I drink moderately and never get intoxicated to a degree that seriously impairs my judgment or ability to take care of myself. Alcohol does dull my overall experience and perceptions however, but I've gotten in the habit of being mindful of how off my senses are whenever I've had a drink or two. It's sort of like being mindfully intoxicated if that makes any sense.

Another way in which I get intoxicated is through fantasy. When things feel less that satisfactory or if I'm getting bored, my mind starts creating the ideal home—either my current apartment refurnished in some minor or major way, or when I'm really needing to escape I conjure up images of a huge two bedroom with ample space and a spare, modest room devoted solely to my practice and reading. While there is a practical aspect to this fantasizing and I could use more space, much of the time I'm just doing it to avoid whatever reality is asking me to experience at any given moment.

Happy New Year

2009-01-01T23:04:00.005-05:00

It's a Wonderful Life (and movie)

2008-12-25T10:40:00.017-05:00

I'm one of the few people in this country that never saw Frank Capra's It's a Wonderful Life until recently.

In this 1946 classic movie, Jimmy Stewart plays the part of George Bailey, a young man who lives in the unremarkable town of Bedford Falls and works for his father's fledgling but well-intentioned and socially conscious Building and Loan.

George is a young man with dreams of leaving Bedford Falls and traveling to distant lands--and this is brilliantly illustrated in a scene where he is in a small local store choosing a suitcase that will be large enough to accommodate all of the stickers (Paris, London, Baghdad) he'll be sure to collect as he travels around the globe in search of adventure, excitement, and true fulfillment--all of the things he assumes he can never find in his home town.

Circumstances repeatedly railroad him into staying right where he is—in Bedford Falls—despite his intense desire to escape and be something other than what he already is. He dreams of doing something big and important and special, and he’s convinced that his small town existence is holding him back from being truly happy. He forgoes going to college so his brother can and eventually gets stuck running the Building and Loan after his father dies.

On Christmas Eve he hits rock bottom. The Building and Loan is busted because his uncle misplaces $8,000 and George sees no way to escape being put into prison as a result.

When he's about to jump off a bridge, an angel named Clarence comes to his rescue. Clarence shows George what the world would have been like had he not been born at all—and this becomes a critical revelation for Mr. Bailey. George gradually realizes what an incredible life he really had, right there in Bedford Falls, and all of the things he experienced as burdens before now seem precious and irreplaceable.

Just when he thinks he’s lost everything, he realizes that in fact he already has it all—everything he needs—and this becomes overwhelmingly clear when the entire town comes together and raises enough money for him that Christmas Eve to help him avoid his impending arrest.

We’re all George Bailey when we try to escape life just as it is in search of something better. We delude ourselves into thinking that if only we had a better job or lived in a better place or had more money, we’d be happy or happier or somehow better off. And when we do this we miss out on the sacredness of each moment and the uniqueness of our lives, just as they are with all of their problems and imperfections.

There is nothing better than life just as it is. There is nothing “over there” that can bring about any more happiness than what we have “over here.” The enlightenment we all seek is right under our noses.

May we all really understand this one day and realize what wonderful lives we already have.

Merry Christmas.

The REAL Secret

2008-12-10T19:54:00.009-05:00

I just posted this on some bulletin board which is a forum for people who follow "The Secret." A few weeks ago a woman from our sangha mentioned that she had dabbled with the concepts espoused by The Secret movie and book. Fortunately a Buddhist teacher reminded her that "avoiding negative people" is fruitless and that we all need to learn to deal with negative people, events, and situations.

About two years ago I watched the Secret movie and read the book.

What I have discovered since then is that when we spend so much time and energy trying to "manifest" what we want, all we are really doing is constantly pushing happiness into the future, and always just out of reach, because we are basing it on receiving what it is we think we want or need rather than learning to accept things and embrace them just as they are in the here and now.

Happiness is right here and right now, and no amount of material things will ultimately bring us the kind of contentment we are all looking for--things change constantly and nothing lasts forever.

Developing a daily meditation practice and learning about Buddhism has helped me realize this. The Buddha is quoted (somewhat irresponsibly) in the Secret movie about "what you think you become" and this is misleading. His main message was that we all have the tools right now at this moment to be happy (just as we are), and enlightenment is simply being fully present for your life right here and now just as it is. He did not suggest that we need to visualize a better or richer or thinner or married version of ourselves.

The Secret does put some emphasis on having an "attitude of gratitude" but the overwhelming message is that we all need and want things that we don't have, and true happiness is just around the corner, provided we visualize and believe and manifest these "things" that will supposedly make us somehow more complete.

We are complete already.

I truly hope that you can learn to appreciate yourself and your life exactly as it is right now. I don't say this out of malice or judgment or any ill will, I am just distressed at how many people feel that they need anything other than what they now have to be happy. We are all just fine exactly as we are right now, and until we learn that, we'll never truly be happy and fulfilled.

Thankful For This Wonderful Life

2008-11-26T21:10:00.009-05:00

My practice has enabled me to see my life more directly and to be involved in it more fully. I'm far from enlightened but there is a measurable difference in the way I react and respond to things today as opposed to how I did just one or two years ago.

I am so grateful to at least begin to understand that joy and contentment can only be experienced when they aren't continually being pushed into the future. And when I'm mindful and present and embrace what is happening completely (regardless of how pleasurable, painful or boring it is) I get these small glimpses of the sacredness that is built into every aspect of this life and it's awesome.

Happiness is constantly staring us in the face but we often move through our days as if we're walking through a beautiful forest with a sack over our heads. We get so wrapped up in what we think are big problems and the moment we "solve" one we're already on to the next and in the process we miss a huge chunk of our lives.

Whenever I leave the hospice I am thankful that I can walk around freely and not be confined to a bed. I am thankful that I can exist without the aid of an oxygen machine or the loneliness or the constant pain and fear that many of the residents feel every single day.

I am so lucky to live in New York City and have a terrific apartment and an incredibly loving and supportive boyfriend and my health and fresh strawberries every night and the ability to sit and be still once a day.

May we all be free from suffering and its causes, and may all of us wake up to the happiness that constantly surrounds us.

Buddhism and Gay Marriage

2008-11-20T10:29:00.002-05:00

From the Level 8 Buddhist Blog:

With the recent controversy in California over gay marriage, I thought I would explore the subject. I usually stay out of politics because I don’t want to get my head chopped off, but the comic above really expresses my sentiment (and I am a huge fan of Sinfest anyways). I can’t quite understand why we make a bold and progressive decision to elect Obama as President (and I am thankful we did), but many in California who voted for him voted against gay marriage citing “religious reasons”. This post is to explore the subject of gay marriage from the Buddhist perspective.

Read the entire article HERE

Also the Buddhist Churches of America newsletter has an article about Rev. Briones, a Jodo Shinshu Mexican American Minister who wrote about his experience officiating the wedding of George Takei (Mr. Sulu from Star Trek).

See it the article entitled EQUALITY FOR ALL HERE

Basics of Zen Teaching Past and Present

2008-11-15T10:03:00.002-05:00

Zen Buddhism is a branch of Mahayana Buddhism, and the basis is of the Mahayana sutras, written in India and China. The most important among them include lankavatara sutra, diamond sutra, heart sutra and a chapter in Lotus sutra. Also notable are the following points about Zen:

1) The basics of Zen teachings also include the fundamental elements of Buddhist philosophy. The eightfold path, four noble truths, five skandhas and three dharma seals are included in Zen teachings. However, the teachings in Zen tradition are restricted only to Mahayana Buddhism.

Read more HERE

Zen Death Poems

2008-11-08T01:51:00.001-05:00

A death poem (辞世の句 jisei no ku?) is a poem written near the time of one's own death. It is a tradition for literate people to write one in a number of different cultures, especially in Japan. Writing death poems is done by both Chinese, Korean, and Japanese Zen monks (writing either Chinese style poetry kanshi, waka or haiku), and by many haiku poets, as well as those who wish to write one.

Minamoto Yorimasa2
1104-1180

Like a rotten log
half buried in the ground -
my life, which
has not flowered, comes
to this sad end.

Shiaku Nyûdo5
d.1333

Holding forth this sword
I cut vacuity in twain;
In the midst of the great fire,
a stream of refreshing breeze!

Hôjô Ujimasa1
1538-1590

Autumn wind of eve,
blow away the clouds that mass
over the moon's pure light
and the mists that cloud our mind,
do thou sweep away as well.
Now we disappear,
well, what must we think of it?
From the sky we came.
Now we may go back again.
That's at least one point of view.

Caregiving with Prayer

2008-10-05T19:26:00.014-04:00

Yesterday was the 2nd monthly Saturday of chaplaincy training with the Zen Center for Contemplative Care. A lot of the day was spent discussing the power of prayer and its place in chaplaincy work. The three teachers (Koshin, Chodo and Trudi Jinpu) had us talk about our concepts of God, since most in the group don't necessarily believe in the Christian version of God, and many are atheists.

The day helped me realize that we have to put the patient's needs and belief system before our own and not get into some self-indulgent philosophizing about our own sense of God or the lack thereof. I have no problem reciting the Lord's Prayer or a Hail Mary if that is what someone can best relate to (12 years of Catholic School has left those prayers permanently imprinted in my head).

A few of my classmates expressed some concern about how to devise a prayer (especially one that reflects a person's anger) and this is how I see it: just imagine a situation where friend A needs to express something to friend B but A has elected you to be the messenger.

Just being with the patient and either addressing the "Lord" if that's appropriate for them, or making a general intention or statement of understanding about their pain can offer a lot of relief. (May you be free from pain and the root of pain...May you be free from suffering and the root of suffering...May you be happy...")

Ending the prayer with some sort of reasonable request (again, just let the patient be your guide) should do the trick. It doesn't have to be poetic or rhymey, just authentic. Everyday language will do just fine.

If you listen enough you can tell what is foremost on someone's mind and what aspect of their life could use a little healing. It's the job of a Chaplain to put that into words and offer some degree of hope to the patient.

12 Essential Rules to Live More Like a Zen Monk

2008-09-27T01:14:00.004-04:00

I just found a very cool article--you can read the whole piece HERE

1. Do one thing at a time. This rule (and some of the others that follow) will be familiar to long-time Zen Habits readers. It’s part of my philosophy, and it’s also a part of the life of a Zen monk: single-task, don’t multi-task. When you’re pouring water, just pour water. When you’re eating, just eat. When you’re bathing, just bathe. Don’t try to knock off a few tasks while eating or bathing. Zen proverb: “When walking, walk. When eating, eat.”

2. Do it slowly and deliberately. You can do one task at a time, but also rush that task. Instead, take your time, and move slowly. Make your actions deliberate, not rushed and random. It takes practice, but it helps you focus on the task.

3. Do it completely. Put your mind completely on the task. Don’t move on to the next task until you’re finished. If, for some reason, you have no choice but to move on to something else, try to at least put away the unfinished task and clean up after yourself. If you prepare a sandwich, don’t start eating it until you’ve put away the stuff you used to prepare it, wiped down the counter, and washed the dishes used for preparation. Then you’re done with that task, and can focus more completely on the next task.

4. Do less. A Zen monk doesn’t lead a lazy life: he wakes early and has a day filled with work. However, he doesn’t have an unending task list either — there are certain things he’s going to do today, an no more. If you do less, you can do those things more slowly, more completely and with more concentration. If you fill your day with tasks, you will be rushing from one thing to the next without stopping to think about what you do.

CONTINUED HERE >>>

The Wave and the Ocean

2008-09-18T14:22:00.006-04:00

The Heart of Understanding is a short book by Thich Nhat Hahn that offers a simple and insightful commentary on the Heart Sutra.

One of the most confusing parts of the dharma (at least for me) is the paradox of "form is emptiness; emptiness is form".

”Form is emptiness, emptiness is form”.

Thich Nhat Hanh explains form and emptiness this way:…Form is the wave and emptiness is the water…So “form is emptiness, emptiness is form” is like wave is water, water is wave…”

By emptiness we mean that all things are empty of an inherent existence.

To understand this better, consider a glass bowl. We refer to it as empty if there is no food or liquid inside of it. But there is always something inside of it--like air and light for example. So from a physical perspective the bowl is always full of something or other.

But from the Buddhist point of view, the bowl lacks an inherent existence. That doesn't mean that the bowl does not exist, but that its existence as a bowl is dependent upon many other factors and a highly specific set of conditions. Its characteristics don't make it what it is-the glass, the round shape, and the diameter are all qualities of it but no single one of them makes the bowl a bowl. A half of a coconut can serve the same function as a bowl but it is still called a coconut. Other things made of glass are not bowls, they can be many other things like drinking glasses or cups.

Viewing it this way, there is nothing about our bowl in question that is intrinsic to that bowl or any other bowl. The glass material doesn't make it a bowl, nor does its roundness. Its existence depends on several things, because it is interdependent with everything else. In order to be a bowl, it must possess a number of simultaneously existing qualities and conditions. If one of these conditions is tampered with or no longer exists (i.e. it breaks into fifty pieces) then our bowl is not necessarily a bowl anymore since a major aspect of the conditions that contribute to its "bowlness" is no longer in place.

This tells us that the bowl's very existence is completely dependent upon outer circumstances.

Bowls, and everything else in the universe, are empty.