Reflection on Planning My Own Funeral

This is a reflection paper I wrote for my chaplaincy training class. As an assignment we were asked to plan our own funeral and to go through the process of making arrangements at a funeral home for our own service.

REFLECTION

I purposely scheduled my visit to a local funeral home as I would any other chore—I made it happen between my shift at the hospice and just before I went grocery shopping. I can't tell if this means I am very comfortable with the reality of my eventual death or if it means I'm simply not taking it seriously enough. I really don't know for sure either way but I tend to think I'm relatively comfortable with the knowledge that I am absolutely going to die one day.

When I met with the director I felt a tad guilty for taking up any of his time considering my visit was partly an assignment for this course and not because my death is really imminent, at least as far as I know. It was rather odd to sit at a table and watch him itemize the various costs involved with a service and viewing on a form the way a car salesman might do had I been shopping for a Honda. If I did want to have a one-day viewing, my dead self would have the option of renting a coffin for $700. Something about being there and looking at the coffin samples clarified for me that I really want to be cremated and that over my dead body will there ever be a formal viewing of my dead body.

As I sat there I tried to muster up some heavy emotion, thinking an experience such as this should have felt more eventful and traumatic than it actually did. I thought of what it must have been like for all of the people who sat in that room before me and all of those that would follow. I thought about what it must have felt like for them to be making arrangements for their own death or that of a loved one. And then I felt some sadness and a very palpable sense of loneliness. Not the kind of loneliness that seeks company as a remedy, but the realization that death is so deeply personal an experience, and each of our deaths is going to be as unique and individualized as each of our lives. And ultimately no one knows our moment to moment experience as well as we do, nor will anyone else be able to fully understand our death experience as well as we will ourselves.

Caregiving with Prayer

Yesterday was the 2nd monthly Saturday of chaplaincy training with the Zen Center for Contemplative Care. A lot of the day was spent discussing the power of prayer and its place in chaplaincy work. The three teachers (Koshin, Chodo and Trudi Jinpu) had us talk about our concepts of God, since most in the group don't necessarily believe in the Christian version of God, and many are atheists.

The day helped me realize that we have to put the patient's needs and belief system before our own and not get into some self-indulgent philosophizing about our own sense of God or the lack thereof. I have no problem reciting the Lord's Prayer or a Hail Mary if that is what someone can best relate to (12 years of Catholic School has left those prayers permanently imprinted in my head).

A few of my classmates expressed some concern about how to devise a prayer (especially one that reflects a person's anger) and this is how I see it: just imagine a situation where friend A needs to express something to friend B but A has elected you to be the messenger.

Just being with the patient and either addressing the "Lord" if that's appropriate for them, or making a general intention or statement of understanding about their pain can offer a lot of relief. (May you be free from pain and the root of pain...May you be free from suffering and the root of suffering...May you be happy...")

Ending the prayer with some sort of reasonable request (again, just let the patient be your guide) should do the trick. It doesn't have to be poetic or rhymey, just authentic. Everyday language will do just fine.

If you listen enough you can tell what is foremost on someone's mind and what aspect of their life could use a little healing. It's the job of a Chaplain to put that into words and offer some degree of hope to the patient.